CarteGrise
Carte Grise = French Registration Documentation for your car. Without this you are DEAD, or at least an uninsurable criminal
This is what I went through to re-register our Mercedes 508D 1978 camper van after we bought it in France in August 2018. It was a long and tedious process Probably best to stock up on chocolate, crisps and pop before you start reading.
AUG
28
Bought Camper Van henceforth referred to as "The Pig”.
SEPT 17
Returned from holiday all jollysunburnedhappylovedup.
New registration documents (Carte Grise) had not arrived chez nous. Phoned original owner, henceforth referred to as “Monsieur Le DIckHead”, who had said that he would deal with it when we bought The Pig.Monsieur Le DIckHead unable/incapable of answering phone or replying to messages. Days later managed to get hold of him and he denied that he had said that.
FFFFFFF you, I thought and set about opening an account on ANTS (French website for vehicle registration).
SEPT 22
Tried to create account on ANTS but was denied this as apparently I was in a different part of space-time continuum from the ANTS building BUT
A) was able to login by sort of a piggy-back through my French Taxes website, (!).
Click on Welcome to ANTS, Click on My Account, Click on Immatriculation, Click on Mon Espace Vehicule
B) Filled in The Pig’s details and Monsieur Le DIckHead's details.
C) Went downstairs to call yapping Jack Russel inside.
Session expired
Tried to create account on ANTS but was denied this as apparently I was in a different part of space-time continuum from the ANTS building BUT
A) was able to login by sort of a piggy-back through my French Taxes website, (!).
Click on Welcome to ANTS, Click on My Account, Click on Immatriculation, Click on Mon Espace Vehicule
B) Filled in The Pig’s details and Monsieur Le DIckHead's details.
C) Went downstairs to call yapping Jack Russel inside.
Session expired
REDO A) B)
D) Filled in Dave's name address, age, birth place birth country
E) Received email telling me that someone had attempted to log into my French Taxes website . . .was this OK ?
While reading this and clicking YES, Session expired.
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E) REDO B) D)
F) Clicked OK button to continue
G) got message saying unable to proceed because zombies had taken over the ANTS building.
Rebooted computer and sat in dark for a while.
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E) REDO B) D) F)
H) Message = "We are full of admiration for your persistence but you don't think we are going to let you off that easily do you? We will get back to you once we have found a process to make your life as difficult as possible."
Whimpered a bit, looked at calming photos of the sea and went to bed.
E) Received email telling me that someone had attempted to log into my French Taxes website . . .was this OK ?
While reading this and clicking YES, Session expired.
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E) REDO B) D)
F) Clicked OK button to continue
G) got message saying unable to proceed because zombies had taken over the ANTS building.
Rebooted computer and sat in dark for a while.
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E) REDO B) D) F)
H) Message = "We are full of admiration for your persistence but you don't think we are going to let you off that easily do you? We will get back to you once we have found a process to make your life as difficult as possible."
Whimpered a bit, looked at calming photos of the sea and went to bed.
OCT 4
I) Got email saying I had a message on the ANTS website
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E)
J) Click on Messages
“HI Jane, well done. You got this far, we need just a little more information please go to Vehicle”
backbutton backbutton
Session Expired as ANTS workers were guillotining their bosses in dispute over working hours and having to sit down all day in a nice warm office in a nice comfy chair
Message = "You cannot proceed until we have a copy of the old Carte Grise and Control Technique" (Control Technique or CT = French roadworthiness certificate)
Scanned in those documents
Message = "Unable to upload file as document is larger than . . . well larger than a very small document"
Downloaded program to compress files
Message = Unable to upload file as we don't recognise file format and by the way your Session has expired
I) Got email saying I had a message on the ANTS website
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E)
J) Click on Messages
“HI Jane, well done. You got this far, we need just a little more information please go to Documents”
backbutton backbutton
L) Click on Documents“HI Jane, well done. You got this far, we need just a little more information please go to Vehicle”
backbutton backbutton
Session Expired as ANTS workers were guillotining their bosses in dispute over working hours and having to sit down all day in a nice warm office in a nice comfy chair
Rebooted computer and sat in dark for a while.
OCT 8
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E)
M) Click on Vehicle then Work in ProgressMessage = "You cannot proceed until we have a copy of the old Carte Grise and Control Technique" (Control Technique or CT = French roadworthiness certificate)
Scanned in those documents
Message = "Unable to upload file as document is larger than . . . well larger than a very small document"
Downloaded program to compress files
Message = Unable to upload file as we don't recognise file format and by the way your Session has expired
Rebooted computer and sat in dark for a while.
OCT 9
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E) REDO M)
Compressed files by downloading and using another file compress programUploaded both files
Added covering note to say we had bought the vehicle as a VEHICULE DE COLLECTION (Vintage) as per section Z.1 of the Carte Gris, (attached), and does not require full CT so the one I am supplying is 2 years old because this is perfectly legal.
OCT 15
Got email to say that there was a message on the ANTS file
REDO A) Ignore repeat of E) REDO J) L) M)
Message = “HI Jane due to the fact that we have not read/have no intention of reading the documents you sent please send us a copy of a Control Technique less than 6 months old as this is a legal requirement."
Logged out. Texted Monsieur Le DIckHead to say he HAD to get a Control Technique done as was legal requirement.
OCT 28
Monsieur Le DIckHead emailed Dave with a link to French website ancient_and_doddery_clappedout_vehicles_de_collection which had the rules and regulations for heavy vehicles more that 30 years old - and lo and behold we don't need CT.
Logged on to ANTS. Gleefully added another note to say we DON'T need a CT as this website proves - with link to the website - and sent it off
NOV 10
Got email saying I had a message on the ANTS site
Message =
My reply:-
Completely accurate EXCEPT for my thoughts which I have put in brackets . ..
“Thank you for your, (frankly unbelievable) reply (you bastard). I do not understand why you have asked me for these documents, (nor why you are torturing me like this). The vehicle is ALREADY registered as a Vehicle de Collection as you can see from the old Carte Grise in Z.1. I have already sent this document to you, ( and pointed out Z.1. to you you asshole), but I am sending it again, (because you need something to do each day between lunch and coffee breaks and may as well hone your reading skills).
I DO NOT NEED to register this vehicle as a vehicle de collection IT ALREADY IS ONE (you fffffffing moron). I bought the vehicle in August and simply wish to change the ownership, NOT register it as a vehicle de collection. (Frankly if I didn't need this Carte Grise I would find out where you lived and I would hire a a Voodoo woman to turn you into a Zombie or better still I would capture you and lock you in a room where you will live for EVER and EVER going slowly more and more insane as endless, non-stop recordings of someone with a really BORING voice reads EVERY French rule, law and regulation to you) yours sincerely Madame Bond (may you burn in hell)
NOV 20
New Carte Grise arrived
Oh . . .. . and I did all this in French. Please feel free to swoon in admiration . . . .
Got email saying I had a message on the ANTS site
Logged on.
Was forced to RE-ENTER all our details and Monsieur Le Dick-Head's details because all the data I had previously entered had been sold to hackers who now send me emails about penis extension, hair loss and bizarre diet plans, (oh and someone called Violet who apparently has no underwear on a lot of the time and wants to play with me), and then deleted."Hi Jane as you can see we have been a while in replying. After your last message we nearly conceded defeat and retired to a cafe to smoke Gitanes and drink Absinthe. We thought about your problem for a couple of weeks and would like to say nice try, but bon chance Madame. We are never going to mention Control Technique again BUT as we have never read/have deleted your attached documents we NOW need a Manufactures certificate OR a certificate from the very association whose link you kindly sent us, the ancient_and_doddery_clappedout_vehicles_de_collection, to say that this is in fact a vehicle de collection BEFORE we can register the vehicle as a Vehicle de collection”
Completely accurate EXCEPT for my thoughts which I have put in brackets . ..
“Thank you for your, (frankly unbelievable) reply (you bastard). I do not understand why you have asked me for these documents, (nor why you are torturing me like this). The vehicle is ALREADY registered as a Vehicle de Collection as you can see from the old Carte Grise in Z.1. I have already sent this document to you, ( and pointed out Z.1. to you you asshole), but I am sending it again, (because you need something to do each day between lunch and coffee breaks and may as well hone your reading skills).
I DO NOT NEED to register this vehicle as a vehicle de collection IT ALREADY IS ONE (you fffffffing moron). I bought the vehicle in August and simply wish to change the ownership, NOT register it as a vehicle de collection. (Frankly if I didn't need this Carte Grise I would find out where you lived and I would hire a a Voodoo woman to turn you into a Zombie or better still I would capture you and lock you in a room where you will live for EVER and EVER going slowly more and more insane as endless, non-stop recordings of someone with a really BORING voice reads EVERY French rule, law and regulation to you) yours sincerely Madame Bond (may you burn in hell)
NOV 15
Message = Please enter your credit card details into the ANTS site and pay €140
New Carte Grise arrived
Oh . . .. . and I did all this in French. Please feel free to swoon in admiration . . . .