andthenweboughtthis
The Pig. Mercedes 508D Coach-built 1978 Camper
For years we had gone on holiday with two Jack Russels and two recumbent bikes in a middle-aged Mercedes Sprinter van with a high platform bed so we could fit said bikes and dogs underneath. We had a camping stove and rickety portable toilet. This was OK until Dave started his carpentry business in 2015 which meant we had to strip everything out after each trip and stuff it in the attic or under the stairs.
Then we got Jack, the Bored German Shepherd Dog, from a French rescue centre and ran out of room.
So we bought this and didn't spot any of its defects. I only saw FLUSH TOILET!! WOW!! SHOWER!! WOW!! Dave saw MASSIVE POWERFUL DIESEL ENGINE AND A WAY TO STOP JANE HARPING ON AND ON AND ON AND ON . . .
We got The Pig a week before our planned holiday. Dave ripped out the dining area to make the boot bigger so we could get both bikes in and knocked up a double bed over the top. Nice.
And we went away and had a most amazing fab time even though little problems started to manifest as soon as we left home:-
1) Engine frankly wont pull you out of bed but is 1978 and has only done 140,000 kilometers.
2) Drinks fuel like a jumbo jet.
3) Fuel gauge doesn't work. Had to keep meticulous records of mileage and fuel consumed,. The best we did was 10 litres per 100k. The worst 13.5 litres when we took a wrong turn and ended up in Bordeaux in the rush hour with added road works and tiny narrow lanes with cars parked either side and drivers trying to squeeze in front. The Pig is MASSIVE, the size of a horsebox and weighs 5 tons and has drum brakes which give it all the stopping power of an ocean liner.
Dave drove all the way through and was, and is, a STAR.
4) Toilet is bizarre little number, in that to empty it you sort of hover over a grid, pull the lever and let it all go. A bit like a lady in an old-fashioned crinoline dress. This of course requires great precision and the difference between triumph and smelly catastrophe is measured in millimeters. The only time we didn't have it lined up properly we had an audience of other camper vans lined up waiting their turn to empty their toilets in a more normal fashion than us.
"Embarrassed" was too small a word for what we felt. And I had to throw my t-shirt and shorts in the bin.
5) Lever on toilet sometimes sticks after emptying. We only found out after it was left open one night on a beautiful clean quiet campsite next to the River Loire. Thank the gods it was organic toilet fluid and toilet paper and we have the "only sh*t if its desperate" rule and we hadn't.
In two weeks of hot hot sun, we had ONE stormy rainy day and night and guess what :-
6) Skylight directly over bed leaks so badly may as well not have been there.
7) Every seam and joint on the van leaks (patches of mould would have been a dead giveaway if we had been inclined to notice them before we bought it).
"Embarrassed" was too small a word for what we felt. And I had to throw my t-shirt and shorts in the bin.
5) Lever on toilet sometimes sticks after emptying. We only found out after it was left open one night on a beautiful clean quiet campsite next to the River Loire. Thank the gods it was organic toilet fluid and toilet paper and we have the "only sh*t if its desperate" rule and we hadn't.
In two weeks of hot hot sun, we had ONE stormy rainy day and night and guess what :-
6) Skylight directly over bed leaks so badly may as well not have been there.
7) Every seam and joint on the van leaks (patches of mould would have been a dead giveaway if we had been inclined to notice them before we bought it).
8) Bed is not high enough to stop 2 Jack Russels and a Bored GSD from getting on it in the night.
9) Has gas hob and oven in fetching 70's orange enamel. "Oh how sweet" I shrieked.
To light the oven - turn on the gas, holding the knob in; light a match; throw lit match at hole at the back of the oven.
If had been looking into the oven, the resulting "WHOOSH of gas and explosive WHUUUUUUMPH would have taken my head off.
10) Has gas fire but after the oven we came to silent agreement NEVER EVER EVER to light it and to RIP IT OUT at earliest opportunity.
11) Driver and passenger seats are from the 70's. They are hideously uncomfortable. The seat-belts would probably snap off or throttle you in an accident and the passenger seat slides forward alarmingly every time we brake.
12) Impossible to hear each other in the cab once the engine starts.
13) Has no power steering and so needs 2 hands dragging the steering wheel round to get it around roundabouts.
9) Has gas hob and oven in fetching 70's orange enamel. "Oh how sweet" I shrieked.
To light the oven - turn on the gas, holding the knob in; light a match; throw lit match at hole at the back of the oven.
If had been looking into the oven, the resulting "WHOOSH of gas and explosive WHUUUUUUMPH would have taken my head off.
10) Has gas fire but after the oven we came to silent agreement NEVER EVER EVER to light it and to RIP IT OUT at earliest opportunity.
11) Driver and passenger seats are from the 70's. They are hideously uncomfortable. The seat-belts would probably snap off or throttle you in an accident and the passenger seat slides forward alarmingly every time we brake.
12) Impossible to hear each other in the cab once the engine starts.
13) Has no power steering and so needs 2 hands dragging the steering wheel round to get it around roundabouts.
But I love The Pig. I love its quirkiness, its monster size and its friendly face. It has HOLIDAYCAR written in faded fat letters on its nose.
The shower and the hot water are PERFECT . . . . . the bed is comfortable. It is light bright, big enough for the dogs, the bikes and us, and we had a blast for nearly three weeks on holiday in it.
Strangely it also attracted lots of admiration.
People who want to look round it. People who give whistles of astonishment at its age and weight and who love the 70s plastic orange wallpaper in the shower, (I am keeping it).
People who want to bury their heads in the engine and can't believe its done so few kilometers. People who go reluctantly back to their non-leaky, clean, lightweight, economical, modern vans who turn back for a last look at us and wave. Oddly, these people are all men. The women give me sympathetic smiles and entice their men away with wine, just in case.
The shower and the hot water are PERFECT . . . . . the bed is comfortable. It is light bright, big enough for the dogs, the bikes and us, and we had a blast for nearly three weeks on holiday in it.
Strangely it also attracted lots of admiration.
People who want to look round it. People who give whistles of astonishment at its age and weight and who love the 70s plastic orange wallpaper in the shower, (I am keeping it).
People who want to bury their heads in the engine and can't believe its done so few kilometers. People who go reluctantly back to their non-leaky, clean, lightweight, economical, modern vans who turn back for a last look at us and wave. Oddly, these people are all men. The women give me sympathetic smiles and entice their men away with wine, just in case.